"Wow, okay. Holy cow. I'm sorry."
Oxi backed away as the babe spoke. "It's no big deal really. I still have my card games." Hmmm. "Heh, yeah. Well, just make sure never to shave your head." That probably wasn't a good thing to say. He heard her face squench up. "Okay.. look. I'm just gonna leave. Sorry about squirting my sweat-squirt on you. Take my suits and sell them online for some kind of sum of money, that should cover the carpet replacement."
And so he started back up the stairs, his new-found dangling wiener papping the stairs as he went. Pap, pap, pap. I should probably kill myself he thought. Tonight. He was just starting to realize how mediocre he was and how permanently zoomed in he was, unable to gain any sort of perspective beyond a mouse-hole kind of thing, he knew not to go for the cheese on the trap, but if he was smart he would find a way to remove it safely, but no. He was a mediocre mouse.
As he got further up to the theater he heard the sounds of an engaged audience directing their attention towards a charismatic individual who wasn't him. "Fucking rats!" He stormed through the audience and busted into the venue kings room. "I leave for just a few minutes to explore my unintended consequences and piss on a young woman and you let somebody else go on stage?"
"Sounds like you have a stigmatism, faggot."
Oxi turned around to see an exact clone of himself standing in the doorway with the entire audience behind him. "WHAAAAAAA!!!~~" The person performing for everyone is.. me? I bet he's gonna try and act like I'm the clone, right? Oxi 2.0 spoke. "So, my clone. Either we have a duet and I kill you, or I kill you right away." God, this guy is a giant douche.
Do the duet
or
Choose to.. be killed?
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Choose Your Own Adventure #7: Do Your Daily Zen Meditation
Squeeze. Relax. Squeeze, yeah, maybe just keep it squeezed for a little while. Goodness fucking gracious, my audience is half-filled with relatively short people, he thought. How am I gonna keep this up?
You see, this is where I feel for the dude, for you can only imagine how much perma-stress goofy-fucked itself into and around his bod. And that's not really the kind of high guys like us usually shoot for.
*audience crackles*
So anyways the fucking loser panicked and locked himself into some kind of utility cellar type thing in the theater, you know what i'm trying to say here? And he's such a stud that he had to disinfect the whole room with Phthalaldehyde, which in my opinion isn't the best time management.
He choked and he choked, he reached through the dark for a switch he knew was there. He felt his mind slowly begin to be clouded by static, and all his memories actually getting shittier. He fumbled across the boards, make it stop oh god jamey make it stop. Lol. LOL. A thousand tykes shouted "LAMO!" from their mothers suburbans. THE LITTLE SHIT. Just as his balls turned a pleasant shade of beige he found it.
The Random Switch.
Well actually it was more like a knob with varying degrees of intensity, all the way from ticket inspector to something with blue anime eyes. It could get quite soft, really. Oxi turned that thing down a few knotches so his mind could be clear for his meditation. Ahh, sweet coherence. His lungs came back on the in-flight radio. "Wow my friend, we very worried for a bit there. Thought we lost you." They curtsied at each other like two life-long best friends meeting for the very first time in a sun-bathed dance studio. He cried. He bawled for the first time since he started toking. He eatprayloved all through the night with a beautiful sincerity. It seems oxi has found his true love.
And just like that he popped his dick back into place and stepped right behind the curtains as the fat grape man said some words to the criss-cross applesauce shiteaters. I don't think anybody really knew what his act was gonna be honestly, but you could say Oxi had some lines to rehearse. More like he'd be taken out of here in a hearse in a few minutes.
Ditch this sad area and escape your cruel and insecure fans, think of how to to refund their tickets later
or
Step up to bat and hope it doesn't rain something of a mess
You see, this is where I feel for the dude, for you can only imagine how much perma-stress goofy-fucked itself into and around his bod. And that's not really the kind of high guys like us usually shoot for.
*audience crackles*
So anyways the fucking loser panicked and locked himself into some kind of utility cellar type thing in the theater, you know what i'm trying to say here? And he's such a stud that he had to disinfect the whole room with Phthalaldehyde, which in my opinion isn't the best time management.
He choked and he choked, he reached through the dark for a switch he knew was there. He felt his mind slowly begin to be clouded by static, and all his memories actually getting shittier. He fumbled across the boards, make it stop oh god jamey make it stop. Lol. LOL. A thousand tykes shouted "LAMO!" from their mothers suburbans. THE LITTLE SHIT. Just as his balls turned a pleasant shade of beige he found it.
The Random Switch.
Well actually it was more like a knob with varying degrees of intensity, all the way from ticket inspector to something with blue anime eyes. It could get quite soft, really. Oxi turned that thing down a few knotches so his mind could be clear for his meditation. Ahh, sweet coherence. His lungs came back on the in-flight radio. "Wow my friend, we very worried for a bit there. Thought we lost you." They curtsied at each other like two life-long best friends meeting for the very first time in a sun-bathed dance studio. He cried. He bawled for the first time since he started toking. He eatprayloved all through the night with a beautiful sincerity. It seems oxi has found his true love.
And just like that he popped his dick back into place and stepped right behind the curtains as the fat grape man said some words to the criss-cross applesauce shiteaters. I don't think anybody really knew what his act was gonna be honestly, but you could say Oxi had some lines to rehearse. More like he'd be taken out of here in a hearse in a few minutes.
Ditch this sad area and escape your cruel and insecure fans, think of how to to refund their tickets later
or
Step up to bat and hope it doesn't rain something of a mess
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Choose Your Own Adventure #6: Try to Escape
Onxi Toker took his final hit of BROMO Dragonfly and then shuffled out of the bathroom amazed at the ability of his organs to keep up vital processes.
"Time and space are meaningless to me now," he muttered to himself in a form most likely incoherent. If he had actually read that book on Hinduism last summer he might've been able to make sense of this. Massive heart-pangs and orange squiggle fibers filled up his mouth-hole and he didn't know how to bend his elbows.
It was in this state that Onxi remembered he had a show to perform. It was a good thing he could still feel the methamphetamine.
Oxi stepped out of his class and prepared to walk to the theater. "I hope my professor doesn't mind me skipping class." Toker had a porn addiction and he had no clear reason to wean himself off it.
So it was our libertine young hero crab-walked back to his house to masturbate. And it was a good session yes lots of young anime girls and he didn't hurt his willy one bit. No one is richer in life than Oxni Tucker.
-
Onix woke up with no real idea where he was. "I have no idea where I am," he said and then laughed really hard at the joke. Then it hit him. He was at the the theater. "Oh man I really really have to get going." Oxi had a show to perform. He needed to rush.
Make your way backstage
or
Do your daily zen meditation
"Time and space are meaningless to me now," he muttered to himself in a form most likely incoherent. If he had actually read that book on Hinduism last summer he might've been able to make sense of this. Massive heart-pangs and orange squiggle fibers filled up his mouth-hole and he didn't know how to bend his elbows.
It was in this state that Onxi remembered he had a show to perform. It was a good thing he could still feel the methamphetamine.
Oxi stepped out of his class and prepared to walk to the theater. "I hope my professor doesn't mind me skipping class." Toker had a porn addiction and he had no clear reason to wean himself off it.
So it was our libertine young hero crab-walked back to his house to masturbate. And it was a good session yes lots of young anime girls and he didn't hurt his willy one bit. No one is richer in life than Oxni Tucker.
-
Onix woke up with no real idea where he was. "I have no idea where I am," he said and then laughed really hard at the joke. Then it hit him. He was at the the theater. "Oh man I really really have to get going." Oxi had a show to perform. He needed to rush.
Make your way backstage
or
Do your daily zen meditation
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Choose Your Own Adventure #5: Find another way down
As I type this my head is still ringing. Another way down? Oh one was found, maybe in more than one way.
Where is this place that neon splashes the walls like a murder? The smell of sex and chaffed skin get their fumbling fingers into your nostrils. Reminiscent of recent fumbling’s? No control now.
I need a moment.
Before that moment is properly spent; a mirror is produced, handed to me by a scary skellington like hand that the acrid smoke is hiding like boner in social class, binder held in front of crotch after a day of topless tribal documentaries.
Though reader, I promise you this encounter is twice as confusing.
The mirror held more than my reflection, in fact it held drugs. Glorious drugs. My nose burns, it almost seems the ketamine methamphetamine combo is eager to get comfy in his mucus membranes.
As the drug stubs the toes of his reason, he gets a glimpse into the last few hours. Perhaps a perverted muscle memory of sort is happening.
Oh I’ve found another way down. Oh I’ve found another way down to the bottom.
Try to escape
or
try to learn why
Where is this place that neon splashes the walls like a murder? The smell of sex and chaffed skin get their fumbling fingers into your nostrils. Reminiscent of recent fumbling’s? No control now.
I need a moment.
Before that moment is properly spent; a mirror is produced, handed to me by a scary skellington like hand that the acrid smoke is hiding like boner in social class, binder held in front of crotch after a day of topless tribal documentaries.
Though reader, I promise you this encounter is twice as confusing.
The mirror held more than my reflection, in fact it held drugs. Glorious drugs. My nose burns, it almost seems the ketamine methamphetamine combo is eager to get comfy in his mucus membranes.
As the drug stubs the toes of his reason, he gets a glimpse into the last few hours. Perhaps a perverted muscle memory of sort is happening.
Oh I’ve found another way down. Oh I’ve found another way down to the bottom.
Try to escape
or
try to learn why
Choose Your Own Adventure #3: Hold it in
Oh god. I can't see shit and the tip of my willie is way past tingle. The brain shared this thought with all the other organs. "I'm sorry Oxi, think if I make myself a hardie it might help?" the dong said, trying its best. "I'll tell you something peenie old pal, it isn't going to help me one bit." the bladder retorted. Everybody went quiet when they heard the extremely faint sound of a toilet flushing somewhere down a series of pitch black corridors and canopies. Not even comics are as exciting as this.
Onix flew down the hallway towards the sound, using a combination of his schizophrenia and his newly found ability of extra sensory perception to narrowly dodge all of the dark corners. Every now and then he would falter just a bit as he slid on what you could assume to be carpets, and the pain of holding in his rain juice hurt him so, so badly, but he had the etiquette of a president and he was not about to fucking piss all over what could possibly be hardwood floors in this sick basement that he didn't even know where the fuck where, and he could never give a heck anyways.
Huh? He woke on the ground, in his piss drenched khakis. And fucks sake, there was the toilet he was looking for, not even fifteen feet away from him, dark brown porcelain but giving off a distinctly tan light. This let him get a sense of the decor in the place, it was like... gaudy I guess. He began to approach the toilet and, as he did, an intense feeling of very nervous and timeslow came over him. A whole host of spiritual insects with disgusting symmetrical forms swarmed around the smooth bowl and when he looked in it he saw it was filled with green jell-o and some tiny person had accidentally driven their toy car into it and was stuck inside the car stuck inside the jell-o. Should he;
Help them out
or
Destroy them
Onix flew down the hallway towards the sound, using a combination of his schizophrenia and his newly found ability of extra sensory perception to narrowly dodge all of the dark corners. Every now and then he would falter just a bit as he slid on what you could assume to be carpets, and the pain of holding in his rain juice hurt him so, so badly, but he had the etiquette of a president and he was not about to fucking piss all over what could possibly be hardwood floors in this sick basement that he didn't even know where the fuck where, and he could never give a heck anyways.
Huh? He woke on the ground, in his piss drenched khakis. And fucks sake, there was the toilet he was looking for, not even fifteen feet away from him, dark brown porcelain but giving off a distinctly tan light. This let him get a sense of the decor in the place, it was like... gaudy I guess. He began to approach the toilet and, as he did, an intense feeling of very nervous and timeslow came over him. A whole host of spiritual insects with disgusting symmetrical forms swarmed around the smooth bowl and when he looked in it he saw it was filled with green jell-o and some tiny person had accidentally driven their toy car into it and was stuck inside the car stuck inside the jell-o. Should he;
Help them out
or
Destroy them
Choose Your Own Adventure #4: Pee Exactly 90 degrees to the left
Onix unzipped his jumpsuit and briskly stepped out of it into his beautiful birthday suit (the manner of peeing he had always been used to, having been raised into it by his father). He grabbed his willy and turned himself just enough to assure he at least wasn't loosing stream in the middle of the path.
It was his expectation that when he let out his golden shower a youthful girl would let out a shocked gasp. What he wasn't expecting is that he'd also smell her. "So that isn't an old head-trick" he thought to himself.
He had no way of seeing the girl in this darkness but his nose told him that she was at least under the age of 11. It's only with a little shame that Onix never put his jumpsuit back on.
Just then the upstart nymphette spoke. "S-sir w-w-what are you doing in my room?" This got complicated.
Ask the girl what's going on you're so confused oh god what
or
Tell her you're sorry and nudely walk back up the stairs
It was his expectation that when he let out his golden shower a youthful girl would let out a shocked gasp. What he wasn't expecting is that he'd also smell her. "So that isn't an old head-trick" he thought to himself.
He had no way of seeing the girl in this darkness but his nose told him that she was at least under the age of 11. It's only with a little shame that Onix never put his jumpsuit back on.
Just then the upstart nymphette spoke. "S-sir w-w-what are you doing in my room?" This got complicated.
Ask the girl what's going on you're so confused oh god what
or
Tell her you're sorry and nudely walk back up the stairs
Choose Your Own Adventure #2: Go Down Those Stairs
It was only a coincidence that when the drug LSD was found by Albert Hoffman in 1938 soon after Jews around the world had to suffer.
Onix Toker knew this more than anyone else because he was 1/4 ashkenazim. He attributed the dexterity of his noggin while under-the-influence to this along with his knack for getting beat up. Chad was the worst bully of them all. He used to grip Toker's inner thigh so hard he actually saw purple for five seconds (he counted it exact) before it went black.
The disturbing darkness of that stairway made Toker recall this all with crisp horror. "I actually think I'm going to have to go to the bathroom right now" is all Onix said to himself before his legs protested.
"You're a pussy mate you fucking cunt."
"What he said."
He had no choice! He hadn't read far enough in his book on buddhist meditation to handle a situation like this; he didn't even have his happy .mp3s playing at the moment. Onix Toker descended into darkness and never returned.
This is the story of how he made peace with the war-like dirt-gremlins and discovered the fountain of eternal cough syrup. What? You thought you could decide the outcome of this story? You can't even decide the outcome of your own life, loser.
-
It took about 20 minutes for Toker to reach the bottom of the stairwell. His eyes were tearing up because it was so dirty. Though constant-fear kept his mind off the full bladder he had for approximately 15 minutes by the time he hit flat land he knew he really had to go. It was so dark though... he didn't know what was really there. It felt cold, yeah, there was a definite breeze. And the sound of giggling young-girls was unmistakable (though the pot-induced schizophrenia Toker acquired might've been the answer).
What will our young hero do?
Hold it in
or
Pee Exactly 90 degrees to his left
Onix Toker knew this more than anyone else because he was 1/4 ashkenazim. He attributed the dexterity of his noggin while under-the-influence to this along with his knack for getting beat up. Chad was the worst bully of them all. He used to grip Toker's inner thigh so hard he actually saw purple for five seconds (he counted it exact) before it went black.
The disturbing darkness of that stairway made Toker recall this all with crisp horror. "I actually think I'm going to have to go to the bathroom right now" is all Onix said to himself before his legs protested.
"You're a pussy mate you fucking cunt."
"What he said."
He had no choice! He hadn't read far enough in his book on buddhist meditation to handle a situation like this; he didn't even have his happy .mp3s playing at the moment. Onix Toker descended into darkness and never returned.
This is the story of how he made peace with the war-like dirt-gremlins and discovered the fountain of eternal cough syrup. What? You thought you could decide the outcome of this story? You can't even decide the outcome of your own life, loser.
-
It took about 20 minutes for Toker to reach the bottom of the stairwell. His eyes were tearing up because it was so dirty. Though constant-fear kept his mind off the full bladder he had for approximately 15 minutes by the time he hit flat land he knew he really had to go. It was so dark though... he didn't know what was really there. It felt cold, yeah, there was a definite breeze. And the sound of giggling young-girls was unmistakable (though the pot-induced schizophrenia Toker acquired might've been the answer).
What will our young hero do?
Hold it in
or
Pee Exactly 90 degrees to his left
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